Ode to Doritos
Okay, so I agree Ma. Lauren has managed to slip remotely beneath the radar at times, but only because Aaron was too busy riding his dirtbike around the yard, and I was crying that people weren't paying enough attention to me. WAAAAA! Oh sorry, old habits die hard.
Lauren Lee is the f-n coolest. There is no doubt. I find myself bragging less about Aaron, and now it's all about the woman formerly known as my lil sis. That's right, she is woman, hear her roar (whatever the hell that means). On the record, for a brother, a little sister is officially a woman when she finally has her mature womanly sensibilities. When all her parts, mental and physical, come together to form the wonderful whole that mom always said they would. Off the record, Lauren became a woman the day I slept with someone younger than her. Cause otherwise I would be a perv. A big, big perv. So congratulations Laur, you got bumped up.
But enough about me. In fact, let's never speak of that again. Today's 'dote is the extended version of a wonderful card I got from Lauren for my birthday. Made my day. She penned a fantastic little note that reminds me exactly how lucky, no, blessed I am to have this amazing family. The outside of the card wishes me a happy birthday. One that's so happy that I go into silent laugh mode. And then on the inside, Lauren alluded to a story that made her laugh that hard. And reading over the note, I went into full-on, no holds barred, tear-flowing, silent laugh mode. I realized that I would have to relive this story for all of you to read....
....It was a fine Friday evening at 2510 Highmoor. If you'll remember, I was a big tool, so I spent my evenings playing video games. I must have been about 12, making Lauren 8. I had rented this super cool game called Strider. It was....FABULOUS. Super graphics, really exciting, and like I said, I was a big tool, so I was totally into it. I hadn't left the room since dinner. I had a two liter of coke, I had a giant bag of doritos, life.... was.... perfect.
All of a sudden, the floor began to shake as some over-caffeinated family member bounded around the house and right by my room. Mom threw my door open, and dropped the dreaded little sis into my care.
"But Moooooooooooooooooom. She's gonna buuuug me! She won't shut uuuuuup! I'm in the middle of something really impooooortant!"
"Zach, you'll be doing the really important lawn tomorrow morning if you don't let your sister hang out with you while I read my book." (Let the record show that I DID let her hang out, and yet I still had to do the really f'n important lawn the next day.)
"Oooooooh. Okaaaaaaaay."
Mom had left me with the beast. She had no idea what I was in for.
"Zach? ZACH?!"
"Ya? (not paying attention)
"What if the sky was purple?"
"....."
"Zaaaaaaaach?"
"WHAT?!"
"What if the SKY was PURPLE?"
"Ugh. Then it would be purple Lauren. Be quiet, I'm on the last guy, and if I lose, it'll take me an hour to get back here."
"Okay. Hey Zach?"
(I just pretend not to hear her.)
"Zach?"
(I'm not budging.)
"Zachzachzachzachzachzachzach...."
"WHHHHAAAT?"
"What if Teddy was named boogers?"
"Argggghh! Lauren!"
I had just gotten killed at the last possible part of the game so Lauren could muse the possibility of naming our shitty kitty after the snot on the end of her index finger. I took a moment to breathe, eat a couple of doritos and figure out exactly how to get Lauren out of my hair without pissing mom off.
"What if I get your markers? You can draw the bad guys in my game. Won't that be fun? Huh, won't it?"
"Sure," Lauren said, as she reached for the same doritos she had seen me eat only a second before.
I got up. You had to hand it to her. Here Lauren hadn't been in my room fourteen seconds, and I was totally frazzled. She wasn't just under my skin, she had done a triple flip half twist dive in the pike position under my skin. She done it with Larzee style, like no one else could. I tromped into her room, considered twisting the heads off her barbie dolls, grabbed her markers and some paper, and marched back to my one true love in the world, nintendo.
"Here you go, Laur. Draw the bad guys. Draw them reeeeeeally quietly."
"Moffffaaay, " she said as she chewed on a handful of chips.
Over the next hour and a half, I couldn't pat myself on the back enough. In one swift move, I had taken Wile E. Laurote, and turned her into a docile Picasso. The What If game had ended in only two rounds, then a world record, and I was back to my game. I played to my heart's content, staring at the pixels until my eyes hurt. Between Lauren and I, there were only crumbs left in the doritos bag. I was just amazed at that too. "Damn, I'm not even too full. I must have been hungry." Serves me right for paying too much attention to the damned video game. If I had looked back once during the night, I would have seen that Lauren was averaging one dorito for every swish of her marker. Eventually she passed out next to my bed, on the sleeping bag I had put down for her. I thanked God for the extra hour of quiet, played my game a little more and passed out thoroughly contented.
I awoke the next morning to a mysterious odor. This was something I had never, ever smelled before. It was noxious, weirdly spicy, and good gracious was it EVERYWHERE. I looked over to my right where Lauren was sleeping. Hmmmm...she's wasn't there. It seemed this strange smell had been enough to rouse her from her slumber. Perhaps she was trying to get to the bottom of it. Well, I CERTAINLY couldn't go back to sleep, so I rolled out of bed. I rubbed my eyes, and looked down at the spot where I had played video games only hours before.
There on the carpet, in the relative size and shape of Asia Minor, was the weirdest orange-y brown stain you've ever seen. To this day, I don't know why I couldn't put two and two together, but I didn't. Instead, I got down on my hands and knees and looked at this stain really close. Then, I picked at it with my fingernail. The quandry continued. What the heck was this? Where had it come from? And one by one, the facts of this unsolved mystery slid right into place...weird smell...no sister...massive continent-shaped stain on the carpet....and Lauren had eaten a whole.....bag.....of....DORITOS!!!!!!!EWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! IT'S BARF! IT'S BARF! LAUREN BARFED DORITOS ALL OVER MY FLOOR!!!! SHE PROJECTILE-VOMITED AN ORANGE CONTINENT OF STINK IN THE ONE PLACE I CALL MY OWN!!! EEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
I screamed as I raced down the hallway, locked myself in the bathroom, and took a patented Aaron Lee Hour Shower. I walked back to my room, held my breath, ran in, put on undies and a t-shirt, and stormed out.
That smell took at least a month to be even halfway bearable. It was hoooooorrible. It had many subtle layers that only someone who spent multiple hours with it would know. And for those of you who don't remember, we had that easily stain-able light blue carpet in the house at the time. You couldn't have picked a more stark color to puke, Lauren. Every person who ever came over and saw my room would ask if I had spilled a giant bucket of paint or something. "No," I'd say, " I just have a sister."
Yep, I do have a sister. And despite the fact that on a cool evening in September, she barfed her body weight in spicy tortilla chips all over my bedroom floor, I freaking adore her.
Lauren Lee is the f-n coolest. There is no doubt. I find myself bragging less about Aaron, and now it's all about the woman formerly known as my lil sis. That's right, she is woman, hear her roar (whatever the hell that means). On the record, for a brother, a little sister is officially a woman when she finally has her mature womanly sensibilities. When all her parts, mental and physical, come together to form the wonderful whole that mom always said they would. Off the record, Lauren became a woman the day I slept with someone younger than her. Cause otherwise I would be a perv. A big, big perv. So congratulations Laur, you got bumped up.
But enough about me. In fact, let's never speak of that again. Today's 'dote is the extended version of a wonderful card I got from Lauren for my birthday. Made my day. She penned a fantastic little note that reminds me exactly how lucky, no, blessed I am to have this amazing family. The outside of the card wishes me a happy birthday. One that's so happy that I go into silent laugh mode. And then on the inside, Lauren alluded to a story that made her laugh that hard. And reading over the note, I went into full-on, no holds barred, tear-flowing, silent laugh mode. I realized that I would have to relive this story for all of you to read....
....It was a fine Friday evening at 2510 Highmoor. If you'll remember, I was a big tool, so I spent my evenings playing video games. I must have been about 12, making Lauren 8. I had rented this super cool game called Strider. It was....FABULOUS. Super graphics, really exciting, and like I said, I was a big tool, so I was totally into it. I hadn't left the room since dinner. I had a two liter of coke, I had a giant bag of doritos, life.... was.... perfect.
All of a sudden, the floor began to shake as some over-caffeinated family member bounded around the house and right by my room. Mom threw my door open, and dropped the dreaded little sis into my care.
"But Moooooooooooooooooom. She's gonna buuuug me! She won't shut uuuuuup! I'm in the middle of something really impooooortant!"
"Zach, you'll be doing the really important lawn tomorrow morning if you don't let your sister hang out with you while I read my book." (Let the record show that I DID let her hang out, and yet I still had to do the really f'n important lawn the next day.)
"Oooooooh. Okaaaaaaaay."
Mom had left me with the beast. She had no idea what I was in for.
"Zach? ZACH?!"
"Ya? (not paying attention)
"What if the sky was purple?"
"....."
"Zaaaaaaaach?"
"WHAT?!"
"What if the SKY was PURPLE?"
"Ugh. Then it would be purple Lauren. Be quiet, I'm on the last guy, and if I lose, it'll take me an hour to get back here."
"Okay. Hey Zach?"
(I just pretend not to hear her.)
"Zach?"
(I'm not budging.)
"Zachzachzachzachzachzachzach...."
"WHHHHAAAT?"
"What if Teddy was named boogers?"
"Argggghh! Lauren!"
I had just gotten killed at the last possible part of the game so Lauren could muse the possibility of naming our shitty kitty after the snot on the end of her index finger. I took a moment to breathe, eat a couple of doritos and figure out exactly how to get Lauren out of my hair without pissing mom off.
"What if I get your markers? You can draw the bad guys in my game. Won't that be fun? Huh, won't it?"
"Sure," Lauren said, as she reached for the same doritos she had seen me eat only a second before.
I got up. You had to hand it to her. Here Lauren hadn't been in my room fourteen seconds, and I was totally frazzled. She wasn't just under my skin, she had done a triple flip half twist dive in the pike position under my skin. She done it with Larzee style, like no one else could. I tromped into her room, considered twisting the heads off her barbie dolls, grabbed her markers and some paper, and marched back to my one true love in the world, nintendo.
"Here you go, Laur. Draw the bad guys. Draw them reeeeeeally quietly."
"Moffffaaay, " she said as she chewed on a handful of chips.
Over the next hour and a half, I couldn't pat myself on the back enough. In one swift move, I had taken Wile E. Laurote, and turned her into a docile Picasso. The What If game had ended in only two rounds, then a world record, and I was back to my game. I played to my heart's content, staring at the pixels until my eyes hurt. Between Lauren and I, there were only crumbs left in the doritos bag. I was just amazed at that too. "Damn, I'm not even too full. I must have been hungry." Serves me right for paying too much attention to the damned video game. If I had looked back once during the night, I would have seen that Lauren was averaging one dorito for every swish of her marker. Eventually she passed out next to my bed, on the sleeping bag I had put down for her. I thanked God for the extra hour of quiet, played my game a little more and passed out thoroughly contented.
I awoke the next morning to a mysterious odor. This was something I had never, ever smelled before. It was noxious, weirdly spicy, and good gracious was it EVERYWHERE. I looked over to my right where Lauren was sleeping. Hmmmm...she's wasn't there. It seemed this strange smell had been enough to rouse her from her slumber. Perhaps she was trying to get to the bottom of it. Well, I CERTAINLY couldn't go back to sleep, so I rolled out of bed. I rubbed my eyes, and looked down at the spot where I had played video games only hours before.
There on the carpet, in the relative size and shape of Asia Minor, was the weirdest orange-y brown stain you've ever seen. To this day, I don't know why I couldn't put two and two together, but I didn't. Instead, I got down on my hands and knees and looked at this stain really close. Then, I picked at it with my fingernail. The quandry continued. What the heck was this? Where had it come from? And one by one, the facts of this unsolved mystery slid right into place...weird smell...no sister...massive continent-shaped stain on the carpet....and Lauren had eaten a whole.....bag.....of....DORITOS!!!!!!!EWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! IT'S BARF! IT'S BARF! LAUREN BARFED DORITOS ALL OVER MY FLOOR!!!! SHE PROJECTILE-VOMITED AN ORANGE CONTINENT OF STINK IN THE ONE PLACE I CALL MY OWN!!! EEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
I screamed as I raced down the hallway, locked myself in the bathroom, and took a patented Aaron Lee Hour Shower. I walked back to my room, held my breath, ran in, put on undies and a t-shirt, and stormed out.
That smell took at least a month to be even halfway bearable. It was hoooooorrible. It had many subtle layers that only someone who spent multiple hours with it would know. And for those of you who don't remember, we had that easily stain-able light blue carpet in the house at the time. You couldn't have picked a more stark color to puke, Lauren. Every person who ever came over and saw my room would ask if I had spilled a giant bucket of paint or something. "No," I'd say, " I just have a sister."
Yep, I do have a sister. And despite the fact that on a cool evening in September, she barfed her body weight in spicy tortilla chips all over my bedroom floor, I freaking adore her.
posted by Z at 10:56 PM
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